Little Girl Is Sent To The Principal's Office On Her First Day

A lovely little girl is entering class for the first time when a friendly little boy approaches her. "My name is Ted," What's Yours?"

"Happy Butt," the little girl replies.

I'm going to tell the teacher on you for lying!" the boy shouts.

He goes to the to teacher and says that the little girl has lied to him about her name. "What is your name?" asks the teacher.

"Happy Butt," says the little girl.

"No, no," the the teacher says. "What is your real name?"

"Happy Butt," the little girl insists.

"No, no," the teacher says again. "#What is your real name?"

"Happy Butt," the little girl insists.

"Shame on you for lying," says the teacher. "You go straight to the principal's office right this minute!"

"Why are you here?" the principal asks.

"They think I'm lying when I tell them my name is Happy Butt," the little girl says.

"Your name can't be Happy Butt," the principals says. "I'm going to call your mother and straighten this out. You mustn't lie to us about your name."

The principal calls the mother and says, "We have your little girl and she keeps telling us her name is Happy Butt."

"Oh," says the mother, "that must be Gladys."

"Little girl," the principal says, "your mother says your name is Gladys."

The little girl asks, "Happy Butt, Glad Ass what's the difference?"

Man Gets Hit By A Car And Sends His Wife This Text. Her Response Is Gold

After having one of the worst days of his life a husband sends this text to his wife:

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office.

Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious.

Also, i have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.

After almost no delay, his phone buzzed and he saw that his wife had responded.

Her response:

Who is Tina?

Women Shocks Her Husband On Their Wedding Night. This Is Priceless

Women Shocks Her New Husband On Her Wedding Night By Saying This To Him

A lawyer married a women who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wadding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, It's my first time."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, be he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. 

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would have to be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in the marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Son Finds His Mom's Driving License And Shocks Her With this Response.

While shopping at Target a mother finds her little kid is going through her purse, the kid had taken out her drivers license...

She mildly scolds him for reading it. But the little kid says "but I learned so much about you from it."

The mom says, "well, OK Tommy, what did you learn about me?

"Well", says Tommy..."I know your age now."

"and what is that?" says his mother

"you're old" says the kid

and guess what else I learned your height"

"Which is?" says the mom

"You are tall" he says

"Well, yes you are right, I am tall for a women"

"and, I learned your weight" he says

"and what is that?" asks the mother

"a lot for a women at your height" the kid says.

the mother sighs and says, "well, that's not very nice Tommy, but I can't argue that"

and then the kid says "I know why dad divorced you"

"Huh? WHAT? says the mother, "how in the world did you get that from a drivers license"

"because, you got an F in sex"

Women Visits A Doctor for Help With Her Husband's Libido. This is Priceless

An elderly Irish women women of advanced age visited her doctor to ask his advice on reviving her husband's lagging libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said..."He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him and Irish Viagra."

"What's this Irish Viagra?" she asked.

"You drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

A week later she called the doctor, who asked her about the results.

"Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah." she exclaimed.
"Twas horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was immediate.

He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye! With one swoop of his arm, he sent cups and tablecloth flying, then ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, AI tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean it wasn't good?"

"It was the best I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!

Father Attempts To Teach His Son An Important Life Lesson. This is perfect.

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks,"Can I speak to Alf, please?"

"No! There's no one named Alf here," says the person who answered the phone.

His father hangs up. "That's irritation," he says.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a second time. "No, there's no one here named Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police," the person says.

His father hangs up the and says, "That's aggravation."

"Then what's frustration?" asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.

"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?" he asks casually.

Check PostsForAll.com they have great stories

Three Old Mischievous Grandmas Were Sitting On A Bench Outside

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

Then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the Grandma's said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old ladies happily yelled in unison-

"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

Man Gets Approached By An Attractive Lady In the Supermarket Then Makes A Mistake

A man goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive women waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says , "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

After a wave shock, she looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your sons's math teacher."

From postsforall.com

Why Men And Women Think Differently. This Guy Nails It.

Women are much more complicated than men. Men are very simple. And you know why? It's because their brains are so different. First, I want to start with men. Men's brains are very unique. Most women don't realize that whether we are having sex or watching sports, our brains are made up of little boxes. We've got a box for everything. We've got a box for the car. We've got a box for the money. We've got a box for you. We've got a box for the kids. We've got a box your mother somewhere in the basement. We've got boxes everywhere. And the rule is: the boxes don't touch. When a man discusses a particular subject, we go to that particular box, we pull that box out, we open the box, and we discuss only what is in THAT BOX. And then we close the box and put it away being very, very careful not to touch other boxes.

Now women's brains are very, very different from men's brains. Women's brains are made up of a big ball of wire. And everything is connected to everything. The money is connected to the car and the car is connected to your job and your kids are connected to your to your mother everythingisallconnected. It's like the internet superhighway, and it's all driven by energy that we call emotion. It's one of the reasons why women tend to remember...everything.

Because if you take an event and you connect it to an emotion and it burns in your memory and you can remember it forever. The same thing happens for men. It just doesn't happen very often, because quite frankly...we don't care. Women tend to care about everything. And she just loves it. Now men, we have a box in our brain that most women are not aware of. This particular box has nothing in it. In fact, we call it the "Nothing Box." And of all the boxes a man has in his brain, the Nothing Box is our favorite box. If a man has a chance, he'll go to his nothing box every time.That's why a man can do something seemingly completely brain dead for hours on end. You know, like fishing.

Now they've actually measured this. The University of Pennsylvania a couple of years ago did a study and discovered that men have the ability to think about absolutely nothing, and still breath.

Women can't do it. Their mind has never stopped. And they don't understand the "Nothing Box" and it drives them crazy because the "Nothing Box", and it drives them crazy because nothing dives a women more crazy and makes them feel more irritated than to watch a man doing nothing.

She enters a bank with a bag full of cash. How she got it? I'm cracking up!

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

The receptionist objected, stating "You cant just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. He's a very busy man."

"But I am here to make a very large cash deposit," added the old women. the receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said, "You're in luck this morning, he will see you," and ushered her in to see the president.

When she walked into a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk. The bank president stood up and asked,"How can help you?"

She replied, "I would like to open a savings account," and placed the bag of money on his desk.

The president was surprised to see all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around, especially a women at your stage in life. Where did you come by this kind of money?"

The old lady coyly replied, "I make bets." Surprised, the president asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old women said, "Well for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"What?!" cried the man, "you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, testicles, are square?" He could hardly hold back from laughing.

"Yes, you heard me. In fact, by 10:00 tomorrow morning, I'll bet you that your balls will be square."

The president smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one. "You've got yourself a bet!" and shook her hand.

The little old lady laughing then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

Nervous about the bet and spent a long timer checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at 10:00, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the presidents office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:"$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"well, ok," said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking to himself,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

As the old women started to feel the bankers testicles, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, "What the heck's the matter with your lawyer?" the old lady replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I'd have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands.

Soldier Get's Offered A Retirement Bonus. But What He Did Next Shocked Everyone

The U.S. Army had found itself suffering from being overstaffed with soldiers. So, they came up with an idea. Any soldier who willingly resigned would get an early retirement bonus of  $1,000 of every inch measured between two points on their body.

The first soldier stepped up and said, "I'd like you to measure from my head to my toes." He walked away with $66,000.

The second soldier stepped forward and said, "I'd like you to measure from the tip of my outstretched arms, to my toes." He walked away with $78,000.

Finally, an old vet stepped forward and said, "I'd like you to measure from the tip of my member to my b*lls" and the men in charge looked at each other with smirks on their faces.

"Sir, your contribution to the U.S army has been invaluable, and without peer. And we understand you're probably extremely proud of your member. But men are walking away with Thousands of Dollars. Would you please reconsider this choice?"

The old man shook his head and dropped his trousers. As the man started unrolling is measuring tape, he held one end to the tip of the man's member and started moving backwards, before letting out a yell of shock.

"Good God Man!!!! Where are your testicles?"

"The old man pulls up his pants with a smirk,

".........In Vietnam."

Little Boy Catches His Dad Having An Affair. But When He Tells His Mom, This Happens

Little Johnny saw his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this is so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and Daddy and....."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy....."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and,"then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jack used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Escaped Prisoner Breaks Into Couple's Home. What Happens Next

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then get's up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a women in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants to make love, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I Love You."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!!!

Priest Is Shocked When He Hears This Horrifying Confession In His Church

A man enters a church and finds the Priest. "How may I help you you son?" asks the Priest.

"I'm looking for my wife, she said she would be here but as I can see she's not around. Now that I am here, I would like to confess."

They go to the confession area, "forgive me father for I have sinned."

"What are your sins my son?"

The man replies, "The other day, I went looking for my wife at the house but she was not there. I found her sister alone... and I slept with the sister."

"Oh, that is sin, but at least you came to confess."

"Then another day I went looking for her at her aunt's place but she was not there, I found her cousin alone, I slept with the cousin."

"You know that is wrong my son."

"Then the other day I went looking for her at her working place. She was not there, I found her colleague alone..."

The Priest interrupts, "Let me guess, you slept with her colleague?"

"Yes Father." There was silence after that. "Father?" "Father ?" Still silent.

The man peeps through and finds out that the Priest is no longer there. He looks for him and finds him hiding. "Why are you hiding Father?"

The Priest replies, Iv'e just realized I'm the only one here and you came looking for your wife."

Young Boy Secretly Catches His Mother Cheating. What He Does Next Is Gold

A man and a women are making love, when her husband comes home early  

"Quick, hide!" she says, so the man grabs his clothes and jumps into the closet.

The man hears the hush voice of a young boy:

"Sure is dark in here."

"Indeed it is," the man responds.

"I have a baseball," says the young boy.

"That's nice," he says.

"I'll sell it to you for $50."

"$50? That's a little steep for a baseball, son."

"Well, my dad has a shotgun. Wanna see that."

"Tell you what, you have yourself a deal," says the man, and he pays the kid $50.

A week later, the man and the women are making love, when once again the women's husband comes home early. Grabbing his clothes, the man jumps into the closet.

"Sure is dark in here," says the little boy.

"Oh it's you again."

"I have a baseball glove."

"Alright, how much do you want for it?"

"$700."

"$700? That's absurd!"

"Well, my dad has a shotgun. Would you rather see that?"

"Alright, alright, $700," so he pays the kid.

That Sunday, the father says to his son, "Go get your mitt, let's throw the ball around."

The boy says, "I can't, Dad. I sold my ball and glove."

"For how much?" he asks.

"$750."

"$750? Son, it's wrong to rip off your friends. I'm taking you to church for confession."

They drive to church and the boy kneels in the confession booth.

"Sure is dark in here," he says.

The priest says, "Don't start that again."

85 Year Old Man Marries A 25 Year Old. On Their Wedding Night, This Happens...

Robert was 85 when he decided to marry Kim who is a lovely 25 year old.

Kim decided since her new husband is so old that after their wedding, Robert and her should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding reception Kim prepares herself for bed and expected a knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Kim hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, again he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Kim consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, yes, you guessed it- Robert is back again, knocking on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year old, ready for more action.

And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert."

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turn to Kim and says; "You mean I was here already?" 

Man Says This After He Was Caught Cheating By His Wife

Women Gets Home Early And Catches Her Husband Cheating. Then He Says This.

A wife came home early...and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young women and was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children. I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And the husband replied, "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!!"

And the husband began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was in the shower I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work ha s the same pair."

The husband took a quick breath and continued,"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

What This 6 Year Old says Is A Big Surprise For The Mother

One afternoon, a mom was cleaning up lunch in the kitchen while listening to her 6 year old son named Cam play with his brand new electric train set in the living room. When the would stop she heard her little boy scream, "All you sons of b**ches who want off, get the hell off now. Because this is the last stop! And all you sons of bi**ches who are getting on, get your a**es on the train cause we're going down the tracks. 

Shocked to hear these words coming out of her little boy's mouth, the horrified mom went in and told Cam,l "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for ONE HOUR. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use pleasant language!"

One hour later, Cam, came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his electric train. With in a minute the train stopped and the mom listened closely and heard her son say. "All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a good one. We hope you ride with us again soon."

 She heard her little boy continue. "For those of you jusr boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mom began to smile, Cam added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the ONE　HOUR delay, please see the b**ch in the kitchen."

When You Mistake 1 Letter In An Email This Can Get Confusing

A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he miss typed a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here

A Funny little Joke About a captain On A Ship

A Captain is alerted by his first mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position.

He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.

The captain was asked, "Why do you need a red shirt?"

The captain replies, "So that when I bleed, you guys don't notice and aren't discouraged." They fight off the pirates eventually.

The very next day, the captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their boat. He yells, " Get me my brown pants!!!"

Guy Get's Pulled Over For Speeding. But Then His Wife Says This.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 MPH, sir.
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, women, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 dollar fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver the driver turns to his wife and barks, "Why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

The officer looks over at the wife and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

The Rich Women Thought She Had The Perfect Husband. But Then He said This

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stopped to listen.

Man: "Hello!"

Woman: "High Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Women: "I'm at the shop now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I but it?"

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Women: !I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: "$90,000"

Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. That'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if that's what you really want."

Women: "OK, I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

Man"Bye. I love you, too."

The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turned and asked, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Mother Of The Bride Prevents The Wedding Night From Being Ruined. This Is Genius

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.
Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.

"Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

This Is His Wife's Response When Her Husband Gets Angry

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right?"

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn, carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So off he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Helloooo......Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

This Man Thought He Could get Away With Insulting This Women. But Her Reply Is Genious

A married businessman is in the Hyatt Hotel bar when he meets a beautiful women. After some long conversation and thought, he agrees to spend the night with her for $500.

He spends the night with her but before he leaves that morning, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent For Condo."

On his drive back home he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.

the next day he goes to the office and he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed latter:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for the rent of your condo. You will see I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the condo, I was under the impression that;

1. It had never been occupied;

2. That there was plenty of heat; and

3. That is was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, under further inspection, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the women didn't waste anytime and she returned the check with $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir, 

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you knew how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.

Kindly send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

Doctor Tries To Squeeze An Engineer For His Money. But Didn't Expect This

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. H puts a sign outside the clinic: " A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be #500."

The doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring me the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patients mouth."

Doctor: "But that's gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a %500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

This Nun Just Wanted To Use The Restroom, Instead get's The Shock Of Her Life

A nun walking home, badly needed to use the bathroom, but nothing was open except the local Hooters, so she walked in.

The place was packed and it was hopping with music and loud conversations and every once in a while the lights would turn on and off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when they saw the nun, the room went silent, so silent that you could hear a pin drop. The nun walked up to the bartender, and asked, "Sir, may I please the the restroom?

The bartender replied, "Sure thing, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way, said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?

Well, now everyone knows you're one of us, said the bartender, Would you like a drink? No thank you, but, I still don't understand, said the confused nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender,b "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?

A man just wanted to see if his wife was deaf. but he didn't expect this

Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

''Here's what you do,'' said the doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet and so on until you get a response.

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, ''I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'' Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response...

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet away from his wife and repeats, "Rhonda, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Rhonda, what's for dinner?"

" Danm it, Fred, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

Man Catches Group Of Women Swimming naked In His Pond. His Response Is Perfect

Ron an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast!!

Smart Kid Finds Dad With & Uses It To Explain Politics, This Is Priceless

A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says,"Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The Nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. 

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

The little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the key hole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the feature is in deep shit.

Man Gets Arrested For Creeping This Lady Out On A Bus. His Explanation Is Perfect

A lady about7months pregnant got on the city bus like she had done every other day of the year.

But this time she noticed a man across from her was smiling at her weirdly. So, she immediately moved to another seat.

But this time she noticed a man across from her was smiling at her weirdly. So, she immediately moved to another seat.

This time the man's smile turned into a giant creepy grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When she moved for the fourth time, the man bursts out laughing, very upset she went to the bus driver to complain and he had the man arrested.

This case came up in court.

The judge asked the man, he was about 22 years old, what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this...When she got on the bus, I couldn't help but to notice that she was pregnant.
Then she sat under a sweets sign that said, "double the mint twins are coming", and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under an advertisement that said, "Ron's Liniment will reduce the swelling", I couldn't help it, I tried not to, but I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "Smith's big stick did the trick", I could hardly contain myself.

And then your Honor she moved the fourth time and sat under an Ad that said, "Goodyear Rubber Has Prevented This Accident", I just lost it.

"CASE DISMISSED"